My Top 5 Predictions for 2009

It's a new year and everyone seems to have predictions about everything, so here are some of mine, based on absolutely nothing:

1. Polar Bears will no longer exist.
Science will tell you that, without protection, polar bears are as good as gone by 2050. However, other science says that polar bears are doing better than ever. I don't know which to believe, so I'm just going to continue taking polar bears into account for my daily decisions as much as I did before all this global-warming hoopla: none. No, less than none. Because polar bears insist upon starving to death and blaming it on our carbon-loving ways, I'm not even going to visit their exhibit at the zoo. So, for me, polar bears will no longer exist in 2009.

2. A politician or minister will be involved with a sex scandal.
This will cause the 24-news networks to compete for footage of the seedy motel room or bathroom stall where the incident took place, and fight over interviews with everyone from constituents/congregation members, hotel bellboys, bouncers, prostitutes, sex scandal historians, psychologists, other politicians/ministers, politicians who happen to be ministers, and people who happen to live close by.

3. Thanks to a dismal economy, Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch go out of business.
Frat boys and high school kids everywhere are forced to return to American Eagle.

4. 30 Rock won't get picked up for another season, Saturday Night Live will go back to sucking all of the time, and The Office will start to get annoying.
Tina Fey can only do so much, given that NBC is desperate be the worst network on television. With such quality programming as "Superstars of Dance", "Momma's Boys", and "Deal or No Deal" it is amazing NBC is even still on air. Clearly, their creative minds have taken the past couple of years off. Some show starring Christian Slater about a man with two identities (or something)? Thanks, NBC! Next time, stick to what you know: Law & Order spin-offs. And give us more Brian Williams.

Finally,

5. The Kansas Jayhawks will not win the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship.
Sadly, I will still choose them to win every bracket I fill out.