Narcissism Helps the Economy

This holiday season is tough. Stores are going out of business, everyone is losing their jobs, and no one can afford their rent or mortgage payments - let alone gifts for everyone from the cat to the mailman. Well, okay, your cat might actually still get a gift.

Who can afford Christmas in this economy? I know I can't. So I've decided to scale back my gift giving. I only ever gave my immediate family gifts, so I've scaled back from four people to buy for to zero. I had some really nice things picked out too, but it's a recession. They'll understand.

Of course, I still want to celebrate Christmas and picking out little gifts you know your loved ones will enjoy is all part of the season. So I decided to buy for one person this season. The person I love most. Myself. It's been a tough year, you know, for the planet. I think I deserve it.

I kicked off the season of giving by surprising myself with lunch yesterday. It was so thoughtful of myself! It really was a nice surprise. I followed lunch with a bit of shopping. I found a few DVDs I know my brother would love, but I knew I'd also love them, so I bought them for myself. What am I? A socialist? He can buy his own DVDs! Then myself and I enjoyed some holiday cocktails as I/we thought about all the things I can buy myself for Christmas now that I'm not weighed down by buying for other people. I briefly considered giving to a charity, but realized that was ridiculous. Why would I give to some charity when I could use the money to buy that ridiculously-overpriced pair of jeans I hadn't even thought about before that very moment? Clothes! I realized I really needed a few new outfits to impress people at holiday parties.

"The best part? Those are necessities, not gifts!" I said to myself.

As visions of Blackberry Storms and new toys for my cat bounced through my head, I pictured myself, all dolled up at Christmas lunch, impressing my family with my exquisite taste in leather boots and overpriced sweaters.

Ah, Narcissistic Scrooge is home for the holidays.