Mission: Hipster.

In an effort to identify with some group or subculture, I've decided to become a hipster. Given the fact I live in Southeast Portland, this should be an easy transition. I see hipsters everyday, strutting down Hawthorne in their $10 vintage store ballet flats and $70 tapered-leg black skinny jeans, on the way to watch some unknown band perform or to a nostalgia-driven themed party, usually featuring cupcakes. Sometimes they even wear coats in the summer or sunglasses at night, to show how indifferent they are to what time of day or season it is.

They seem happy. I can do this. I can be a hipster.

My boyfriend told me that I cannot be hipster, because of my affinity for sweatpants and collegiate sweatshirts. He also cited the fact that I own a North Face coat. I told him that I think my sweats are comfortable and my coat keeps me warm, but he told me those things didn't matter...if I wanted to be a hipster. I guess he's an expert. I suspect he may be a hipster.

The Hipster Handbook defines hipster as "one who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term "cool"; a Hipster would instead say "deck.") The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat."

That sounds pretty deck I guess. I'm in.

First thing's first. Music. Because hipsters only seem to listen to deck music, I needed to purge my i-Pod of any traces of my former non-hipster self. I guess Rush will have to go. But what if, at some point in the future, my non-hipster undeck music will suddenly be considered deck simply because it is so undeck that it will be ironic that otherwise deck hipsters would be listening to it? I will keep the bad music, but never listen to it in public, unless that would be really ironic and "cool". I will have to make the call after I'm accepted as a hipster. Hipsters are also into buying things on vinyl these days (or at least I've heard this to be true), but I like my music portable. Maybe I will just buy a couple records and call it a collection. I'm also going to have to clear my schedule for at least two to three music shows a week so I can keep up on what's up-and-coming. At least I don't have to bother with bands non-hipsters have heard of.

Next, fashion. Out with the warm North Face coat and comfortable sweats and in with anything vintage or from American Apparel. Or maybe just vintage. At least I can afford thrift stores. I will also need to invest in a pair of opaque tights.

Finally, disdain. At last, a hipster trait I can really identify with! The best part of being a hipster is judging everyone else, either for being what you consider a hipster, or for being mainstream. Hipsters don't consider themselves hipsters because that's lame. Being mainstream is also lame. Judging others is also considered lame, despite the fact you are also judging others. It, like early-nineties high tops and stone wash denim, is ironic. Irony is cool. "Ironic" by Alanis Morrisette is not cool. Or at least maybe it's not. It might be. I don't know. I'm not a hipster yet.

Well, I'm excited to be well on my way to membership in this subculture. Or not excited. I don't think I'm supposed to be excited. Either way, I know that at least now I'm way better than you.